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instant updates check out entries Wednesday, January 7, 2009 i shall simply type out what come straight to my mind now. "i dont know" is jiaying's pet phase, i really hate to say that i dont know, i dont know what i am feeling, i dont know what i am doing, i dont know anything at all. i am not emotional nor anything of such. it is just, i am lost. argh, not exactly. i hate to say i am lost because i am just wondering away aimlessly. what is 2009 to me? nothing, just nothing. just another day. chirstmas was like saturday, new year was like sunday, everyday is like everyday (duh!), very peaceful in mind now, everyday is simply a day why people celebration festivals? what i see fiona xie smiling with a galsberg beer in her hand. new year so fanciful meh? it just another day for me to go school. going to school for the sake of it. i hate it that way. no sense of direction. i always had a goal in mind. but it is gone, i dont miss it at all. my mind is empty. i am just preparing for the future, for my future. perhaps all the thoughts about deferment, the time i made a life decision on my own made me believe that nothing can be as tough as that. just nothing, am i a grown up now? what is my mentality? it is simple. given a task, draw a plan, excute a plan, get things done. that's why, as fast as possible. i have a plan in mind, somewhat determine to excute it. as long as i am not giving in to temptation, i will suceed. but why do i want to suceed? i dont know. lets talk about budget. i want it done quickly. as quick as possible. simply to prove that i am effecient. just proving to people, again. "Joanne is slow" is always running through my head, reminding me to do things quickly, so i will not be critized again. it is just my pride, my ego, not wanting to be defended. defended, that reminded me of someone. the feeling is complex. i am a sucky person, i do not talk to her but take notes of her actions, share it to everyone in a nasty way. ... ... ... ... ... ... (scenes of those evil acts replay in my mind) i hate it. i hate bad dreams. i am able to see my dream, when two boys committed sucside outside my parents room's window. the fear, very unbearable very hard to explain. it was like i was responsible for their death. i could have stopped it. why did i thought that they are doing bungey jumping outside at the window? i was sure it was a dream, but it was so real.. the fear just too real.. the fear of feeling death, seeing death is scary. somehow your vision zoom onto some aunties who said that, "someone died.." you see fingers pointing at where the boys should land themselves at. died already.. .. .. (forcing myself to stop here and talk about other stuff) i feel zero excitment/fear/anticipated for the near future. i dont know what to ask my lecturer to regards of that. i will not miss home too, i am sure about that. i can even visualise how will life be like. i can see the future, in many ways, the way i wanted it to. i dont know if i am happy, i dont know how to be happy. i know and i can sense that the lecturer will send me to shanghai for attachment. i do not fear at all. i know i need a electronic dictonary, a hello kitty handphone. i know what clothes i want to bring over already. i know what i want to buy and get ready when i get there. somehow i know it, just i know it. i can visualise it, i hope they are not illusions because i am depending very much on them. i know next week will be a hetic week for me. super duper one. no fear for it at all. i know i have plans and will excute it. but just too easily taken away by temptations. i am not assuming myself that i will not be taken away, i just know that i just do fine. but i kept forgetting this when i think of that, when i think of this, i fear i will not remember it. ... ... ... ... (speechless again) i dont want to end my post here. i dont feel like it. my mind is empty. very empty. when i reminds myself that 5 weeks to exams is very short, it becomes very scary. when i NOW remind myself that 5 weeks to exams is very soon, it is just very soon. no worries for lunar new year. i brought two dresses already, knowing which to wear on day 1 and 2. i know where to get my heels already. will that be enough? i dont know there is one thing i cannot deny. i put on weight and i dont mind it at all. flebby arms i have are more flebby. i am just contented that i am fat. but i am convinced that a fat man is a happy man. it is like i am losing my hope, since i hit 50kg so let it be. no aims of losing weight anyway. my mind is empty again. i dont want to stop here. i force myself to say i have more to share but i dont know. my mind is empty. my eyelids are heavier. yes, i suppose to sleep now. okay, i am convinced that i shall sleep. i am dozing off soon. (forcing myself to publish post and change font) 
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please note best view in mozilla firefox if you found yourself taking a longer time to view my blog, click the refresh buttom again after entering the url, the content will appear almost immediately profile Joanne Chua 19890913 Muddle-headed Often hibernates on Sunday Hougang Secondary School Ngee Ann Polytechnic (BQPE Year 3) affiliate missyhappygolucky messages your tags are precious to me so leave a message before you go archives September 2007 October 2007 November 2007 December 2007 January 2008 February 2008 March 2008 April 2008 May 2008 June 2008 July 2008 August 2008 September 2008 October 2008 November 2008 December 2008 January 2009 February 2009 March 2009 April 2009 May 2009 June 2009 July 2009 August 2009 September 2009 October 2009 November 2009 December 2009 January 2010 April 2010 credits reminiscenceslove |